Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
