Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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