it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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