it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
