Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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