Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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