Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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