I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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