Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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