I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it hurts more in the daytime
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
