I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
