I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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