I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
