Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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