Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
