Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
