i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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