i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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