i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
