when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
