I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
