I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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