I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
