Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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