There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
