The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We need to get me chipped asap
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
