I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm like, not good at living.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
