I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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