And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
