period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
