I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
