Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
