I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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