My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
