He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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