it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
