I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
