I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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