Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
now i know why i became what i already was.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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