My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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