If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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