Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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