Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize