just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
