if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
