At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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