The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
