Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
