I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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