Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
