you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
