hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All the doctor said was why
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
