stop calling my apartment porn island.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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