you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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