So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
